Thursday, December 20, 2007

3 months!

I honestly cannot believe 3 months have passed since my beautiful little girl was born and my life was forever changed.

I recently read something in Parents magazine that said that to the author, it seemed like the women you yearned for a baby and being pregnant had a harder time adjusting than the women who's pregnancy wasn't planned.

For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't wait to be pregnant, to give birth to a little miracle, to see how my life and my husband's life would change, to see that little one grow into an amazing person and to be responsible for that amazing journey.

My pregnancy was fantastic. I loved almost every minute of it. I thought that once I had Payton, the joy would continue and we'd be blissfully happy. What I hadn't counted on was a far from routine birth and all the nicu issues we had with Payton. I truly believe the experience was what led to post partum depression. I didn't get to hold Payton for almost 12 hours... I was so scared to bond with her in case something happened and she didn't make it. I don't think that there was ever a chance of her not making it, but in my exhausted, emotional state, I was trying to protect my heart.

When I say that I couldn't have gotten through the first 6 weeks without my mom and sister I mean it. I think I would've been committed if they weren't here everyday to help me. I didn't want to see anyone but Lane, my mom, my dad and my sister. It was such a dark time. I felt like such a failure. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what to do to fix it. Never once did I regret having Payton, but I wondered why she deserved me as a mother.

Thankfully, I was able to move my post partum appointment up a week and I was prescribed medication. I cannot tell you what a difference it's made in 7 short weeks. I'm able to be a blissfully, happy mommy and I know this is my sole purpose in life! Payton is the most beautiful, sweet little girl and I am truly blessed to have her as my daughter. I hope one day she'll be able to say she was blessed to have me as a mother.


YaYa said...

Wow...where has the time gone? The first 6-8 weeks really were a blur, but thankfully we have about 1,000 pictures documenting that part of Payton's life! You know we'll always be here for you, whenever...where ever...Love you so much Sissy.

Carole said...

Thanks so much for that post Courtney. I love it when people can be transparent. I'm so glad things are going well now! I know you're a wonderful mother! I can't wait to meet Miss P someday:)

Mandy Mae said...

Court, I'm so glad you made it through those hard weeks and have now realized this is exactly what you were supposed to do with your life. I know without doubt that you are a fantastic mom, because you were such a nurturing friend for so many, many years. I hope the days just get better and better for you and your family.

Sasha said...

You know, I went through something similar after my son went to the NICU when he was born in 2003. When we got home, I didn't want anybody in my house, didn't want to talk to anybody... I can't believe I didn't get on meds until Aug of 2007.... Looking back, I'm not sure how I made it through those years and even had another baby, but I feel so much better now, I know I can be a better mom. Glad you found something that helps you.