I honestly cannot believe 3 months have passed since my beautiful little girl was born and my life was forever changed.
I recently read something in Parents magazine that said that to the author, it seemed like the women you yearned for a baby and being pregnant had a harder time adjusting than the women who's pregnancy wasn't planned.
For as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother. I couldn't wait to be pregnant, to give birth to a little miracle, to see how my life and my husband's life would change, to see that little one grow into an amazing person and to be responsible for that amazing journey.
My pregnancy was fantastic. I loved almost every minute of it. I thought that once I had Payton, the joy would continue and we'd be blissfully happy. What I hadn't counted on was a far from routine birth and all the nicu issues we had with Payton. I truly believe the experience was what led to post partum depression. I didn't get to hold Payton for almost 12 hours... I was so scared to bond with her in case something happened and she didn't make it. I don't think that there was ever a chance of her not making it, but in my exhausted, emotional state, I was trying to protect my heart.
When I say that I couldn't have gotten through the first 6 weeks without my mom and sister I mean it. I think I would've been committed if they weren't here everyday to help me. I didn't want to see anyone but Lane, my mom, my dad and my sister. It was such a dark time. I felt like such a failure. I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know what to do to fix it. Never once did I regret having Payton, but I wondered why she deserved me as a mother.
Thankfully, I was able to move my post partum appointment up a week and I was prescribed medication. I cannot tell you what a difference it's made in 7 short weeks. I'm able to be a blissfully, happy mommy and I know this is my sole purpose in life! Payton is the most beautiful, sweet little girl and I am truly blessed to have her as my daughter. I hope one day she'll be able to say she was blessed to have me as a mother.
5 years ago